Communication & Involvement

This week I really learned the importance of proper communication with your spouse. If you do not communicate on a regular basis then a lot of things will be unresolved and progression will not occur in the family. I was just talking with one of my married friends who just recently had a baby. Both her and her husband were saying how important communication is in married. I was asking them about the transition into marriage, since I will soon be in that stage of life, and they said that it is so important to communicate with each other about this transition because although you might go through a huge transition right at first, throughout your entire marriage you will have differences about things that need to be communicated so each other can adjust to your needs and visa versa. That way things want get worse as time goes on.

Along with communicating and counseling with your spouse, parents need to make sure to do the same with their children. Being involved in a child's life will make a huge impact on them and how confident they are. Children look up to their parents, and through the interaction parents have with each other and then also with their children will create a better unity in the home. Just as Sister Dalton in this last General Conference talked about "the most important thing Fathers can do for his daughters is to love her mother" she then pointed out that by doing this "you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion."  Through the Father's involvement in the home the children will pick up on his example. Stephen Covey once said "without involvement, there is no commitment." When both parents are involved in their children's lives there is a stronger commitment in the family.

Crises in Family Life

What would your reaction be?

Every family encounters some kind of crisis at some point or another, but each situation presents different outcomes. The way we react to these crises will determine what the outcome will be. Learning to be patient, loving, and sensitive to every situation is an important aspect to creating good outcomes. When we react fast and are upbrupt to our children or our spouse it can cause contention and disruptance in the family. But when we step back and think through the situation, not giving our first response, we can create a time of learning and growth for the family.

It is easy when something comes up to get frustrated or upset right away, but when that happens how do people usually react? They usually react with the same frustration and anger that you had or they might shut off from you, and ultimately it makes the crisis worse. Our teacher told a story of one of his sons who accidently shot an arrow in the eye or his other son who was 3 years old at the time. Brother Williams didn't know the situation because he wasn't there when it happened, but when he called home after work that day and asked his son where mom was he responed by saying at the hospital. The son explained what he had done and Brother Williams said he would have ripped at him, but something inside of him made him take a deep breath and asked the older son who shot the arrow how he was doing. By this simple response to this crisis Brother Williams was able to save a lot of heartache that could have been caused in this situation. Not only was the 3 year old son saved that day at the hospital but the older son was also saved. He knew what he had done was wrong but by punishing or yelling at him they may have lost him that day.

Every situation is different and it is important to rely on the Spirit to guide and direct you in how to handle these situations with peace and maturity. I know this is something I need to work on. Thinking about how I will someday react to misdeeds that my kids do or crisis that will happen in my future family, I hope I can react with peace and come away from those crisis strengthened with my husband and family.

In our book it talks about 5 effective coping mechanisms with crises:

1. Take responsibility - be mature about things

2. Reframing - look at the situation differently

3. Balance self-concern with other-concerns

4. Affirming your own and your family's worth

5. Find and use available resources

Some non-effective coping mechanisms:

1. Denial

2. Avoidance

3. Scapegoating

What will be your reaction to crises?!? If we prepare now and utilize it in the some crises/problems when the bigger ones come along it will be easier to react in an appropriate way.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

Sexual Intimacy: 
The topic of sexually intimacy can sometimes be awkward to talk about or even teach about in a class, but I feel that my teacher helped explain things very well without it being uncomfortable so I just wanted to touch on some of the things we talked about this past week. He first drew a diagram that had sex on one side and emotionally close on the other. He told us that males and females operate differently - males have intercourse to feel more emotionally close to their wife but when females feel emotionally close to their husbands then they will have intercourse. Also, on average the more often women make love the more often they will want it (and visa versa if they don't have it very often they wont want it), but men on the other hand can go awhile without it and then all of a sudden have an urgency for it. This may cause a lot of conflict in marriages. Then how do we solve this problem so marriages will still continue to function properly? One of the biggest things I have realized is that each spouse has to give and take. They each need to be aware of their spouses needs and sometimes might need to give into those needs even if you are not up to it. Marriage is all about being selfless!

Brother Williams also shared this scripture from the New Testament:

1 Cor. 7:1-7:

1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: ^aIt isgood for a man not to touch a woman.

 2 Nevertheless, ^ato avoid ^bfornication, let every man have his own^cwife, and let every woman have her own husband.

 3 Let the ^ahusband render unto the ^bwife due ^cbenevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

 5 ^aDefraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that ^bSatan ^ctempt you not for your incontinency.

 6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.

 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his ^aproper ^bgift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

Through looking up the footnotes and the JST you will be able to understand more of what is being talked about. For example in verse 3 it says "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise the wife to the husband." Well what does the word benevolence mean? It means extreme generosity. So husbands and wives should render to each other due to extreme generosity. Each spouse needs to be generous in all aspects of marriage and specifically to sexual intimacy, as stated above.

Family Life:
When you get married you should turn to your spouse for everything! Don't go to friends or family members when problems arise, talk to your spouse! Communication is key in marriage.

When you get married, or even while you are engaged, make sure you establish rules. For example, don't ride in the car by yourself with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. Satan is real and wants to destroy the family and he will do all in his power to do that. In Brother Williams words "stay away from the slippery slope!" When you get involved in activities or other things that could chip away your marriage you are standing on the slippery slope and it's hard to climb back up. There is a pattern that can be found in how we are found on that slope, it is through 1. opportunity, 2. incentive, and 3. rationalization. Once the opportunity arises and you take it thinking it wont hurt anything soon you become incentive to it and then start rationalizing.  It's better to just stay away from that slippery slope then to try and balance on it.

Lastly, we talked about how to teach your children about sexual topics. There was a news article that came out by the New York Times regarding the new policy of sex education in the public schools in New York. Here is the link if you would like to read it: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/10/nyregion/in-new-york-city-a-new-mandate-on-sex-education.html. It is disturbing to me that children are being taught so young about sex. Sexual intercourse is a sacred thing that needs to be taught by parents. It is important to talk to your spouse about how your children will be exposed to this education and to be on the same page with it. Raising a family in this world today is getting more difficult and your guard will need to be up. Talk to your children about this at an appropriate age with the correct importance. Also make it comfortable for your children to come to you if they have any questions, don't make it awkward because they will then turn to their friends to find out. Read "Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments" by Jeffrey R. Holland and "A Parent Guide" on lds.org to know how to appropriately teach your children these concepts.

Marriage and family is an exciting time, but it is important to communicate with your spouse so you can each meet the needs of each other and then can be on the same page as you raise your family.