Make Time for Your Spouse

This week we have been talking about divorce, step families, and remarriages. For me this is not such a happy topic to talk about. It's hard for me to understand what life would be if one of these three things were in it. My fiancee and I have discussed that divorce will never be talked about in our home and it won't be an option. We both know life will get hard but you can work through anything, especially if you have the spirit in your home.

I love this letter Paul Newman gave to his wife on their wedding day and I want it to be the motto in my home. He wrote:


“ Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the Art of Marriage, the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon; it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding rooms for things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner."


In one of Gottman's book he talks about how crucial the first 5 minutes you see your spouse are and that you should spend 5 hours of affection a week with your spouse. This is something I definitely want to implement in my home! The affection he is talking about would be making time for your spouse to ask about his/her day or to show genuine concern about something going on. When your spouse walks in the door from a long day at work, stop what you are doing and spend time talking to each other instead of jumping right into the problems of your day or other issue that occurred. As you make time for your spouse you will continue to strengthen your relationship with them and maintain that strong marriage. 

Parenting Styles

This weeks our topic was parenting. As I will be getting married in 2 months I really enjoyed learning about the different parenting styles and figuring out which one I will use. There are 3 main parenting styles: autocratic, permissive, and active. Each have positive and negatives, but having an active role as a parent has found to be more productive and beneficial. There is a test that you can take online to determine what type of parent you are and describes the difference between the three and how you can improve your parenting skills. Click here to take the test.

Depending on the parent style you have will effect your children and how they develop and perceive themselves. There are 4 main traits our teens are going to need and can be taught through your parenting. They are:
1. Courage - going beyond the risk for something that is worthy
2. Respect - elevating someone to your same level
3. Responsibility - ability to respond to opportunity and challenges and accept the consequences to choices made
4. Cooperation

As a parent you will effect the traits that your children will gain. The way you treat your children will have a lasting effect on them, make sure your parenting is done in love.

"The way your children see you as a parent  is usually the way they see our Heavenly parents." - Brother Williams

Communication & Involvement

This week I really learned the importance of proper communication with your spouse. If you do not communicate on a regular basis then a lot of things will be unresolved and progression will not occur in the family. I was just talking with one of my married friends who just recently had a baby. Both her and her husband were saying how important communication is in married. I was asking them about the transition into marriage, since I will soon be in that stage of life, and they said that it is so important to communicate with each other about this transition because although you might go through a huge transition right at first, throughout your entire marriage you will have differences about things that need to be communicated so each other can adjust to your needs and visa versa. That way things want get worse as time goes on.

Along with communicating and counseling with your spouse, parents need to make sure to do the same with their children. Being involved in a child's life will make a huge impact on them and how confident they are. Children look up to their parents, and through the interaction parents have with each other and then also with their children will create a better unity in the home. Just as Sister Dalton in this last General Conference talked about "the most important thing Fathers can do for his daughters is to love her mother" she then pointed out that by doing this "you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion."  Through the Father's involvement in the home the children will pick up on his example. Stephen Covey once said "without involvement, there is no commitment." When both parents are involved in their children's lives there is a stronger commitment in the family.

Crises in Family Life

What would your reaction be?

Every family encounters some kind of crisis at some point or another, but each situation presents different outcomes. The way we react to these crises will determine what the outcome will be. Learning to be patient, loving, and sensitive to every situation is an important aspect to creating good outcomes. When we react fast and are upbrupt to our children or our spouse it can cause contention and disruptance in the family. But when we step back and think through the situation, not giving our first response, we can create a time of learning and growth for the family.

It is easy when something comes up to get frustrated or upset right away, but when that happens how do people usually react? They usually react with the same frustration and anger that you had or they might shut off from you, and ultimately it makes the crisis worse. Our teacher told a story of one of his sons who accidently shot an arrow in the eye or his other son who was 3 years old at the time. Brother Williams didn't know the situation because he wasn't there when it happened, but when he called home after work that day and asked his son where mom was he responed by saying at the hospital. The son explained what he had done and Brother Williams said he would have ripped at him, but something inside of him made him take a deep breath and asked the older son who shot the arrow how he was doing. By this simple response to this crisis Brother Williams was able to save a lot of heartache that could have been caused in this situation. Not only was the 3 year old son saved that day at the hospital but the older son was also saved. He knew what he had done was wrong but by punishing or yelling at him they may have lost him that day.

Every situation is different and it is important to rely on the Spirit to guide and direct you in how to handle these situations with peace and maturity. I know this is something I need to work on. Thinking about how I will someday react to misdeeds that my kids do or crisis that will happen in my future family, I hope I can react with peace and come away from those crisis strengthened with my husband and family.

In our book it talks about 5 effective coping mechanisms with crises:

1. Take responsibility - be mature about things

2. Reframing - look at the situation differently

3. Balance self-concern with other-concerns

4. Affirming your own and your family's worth

5. Find and use available resources

Some non-effective coping mechanisms:

1. Denial

2. Avoidance

3. Scapegoating

What will be your reaction to crises?!? If we prepare now and utilize it in the some crises/problems when the bigger ones come along it will be easier to react in an appropriate way.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

Sexual Intimacy: 
The topic of sexually intimacy can sometimes be awkward to talk about or even teach about in a class, but I feel that my teacher helped explain things very well without it being uncomfortable so I just wanted to touch on some of the things we talked about this past week. He first drew a diagram that had sex on one side and emotionally close on the other. He told us that males and females operate differently - males have intercourse to feel more emotionally close to their wife but when females feel emotionally close to their husbands then they will have intercourse. Also, on average the more often women make love the more often they will want it (and visa versa if they don't have it very often they wont want it), but men on the other hand can go awhile without it and then all of a sudden have an urgency for it. This may cause a lot of conflict in marriages. Then how do we solve this problem so marriages will still continue to function properly? One of the biggest things I have realized is that each spouse has to give and take. They each need to be aware of their spouses needs and sometimes might need to give into those needs even if you are not up to it. Marriage is all about being selfless!

Brother Williams also shared this scripture from the New Testament:

1 Cor. 7:1-7:

1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: ^aIt isgood for a man not to touch a woman.

 2 Nevertheless, ^ato avoid ^bfornication, let every man have his own^cwife, and let every woman have her own husband.

 3 Let the ^ahusband render unto the ^bwife due ^cbenevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

 5 ^aDefraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that ^bSatan ^ctempt you not for your incontinency.

 6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.

 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his ^aproper ^bgift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

Through looking up the footnotes and the JST you will be able to understand more of what is being talked about. For example in verse 3 it says "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise the wife to the husband." Well what does the word benevolence mean? It means extreme generosity. So husbands and wives should render to each other due to extreme generosity. Each spouse needs to be generous in all aspects of marriage and specifically to sexual intimacy, as stated above.

Family Life:
When you get married you should turn to your spouse for everything! Don't go to friends or family members when problems arise, talk to your spouse! Communication is key in marriage.

When you get married, or even while you are engaged, make sure you establish rules. For example, don't ride in the car by yourself with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. Satan is real and wants to destroy the family and he will do all in his power to do that. In Brother Williams words "stay away from the slippery slope!" When you get involved in activities or other things that could chip away your marriage you are standing on the slippery slope and it's hard to climb back up. There is a pattern that can be found in how we are found on that slope, it is through 1. opportunity, 2. incentive, and 3. rationalization. Once the opportunity arises and you take it thinking it wont hurt anything soon you become incentive to it and then start rationalizing.  It's better to just stay away from that slippery slope then to try and balance on it.

Lastly, we talked about how to teach your children about sexual topics. There was a news article that came out by the New York Times regarding the new policy of sex education in the public schools in New York. Here is the link if you would like to read it: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/10/nyregion/in-new-york-city-a-new-mandate-on-sex-education.html. It is disturbing to me that children are being taught so young about sex. Sexual intercourse is a sacred thing that needs to be taught by parents. It is important to talk to your spouse about how your children will be exposed to this education and to be on the same page with it. Raising a family in this world today is getting more difficult and your guard will need to be up. Talk to your children about this at an appropriate age with the correct importance. Also make it comfortable for your children to come to you if they have any questions, don't make it awkward because they will then turn to their friends to find out. Read "Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments" by Jeffrey R. Holland and "A Parent Guide" on lds.org to know how to appropriately teach your children these concepts.

Marriage and family is an exciting time, but it is important to communicate with your spouse so you can each meet the needs of each other and then can be on the same page as you raise your family.

Transitions in Marriage

"A wedding is just a day, marriage is for eternity. Make sure when you are preparing for a wedding you are focused more on the importance of your marriage then the lavishness of the wedding." - This was said by a member of my family relations

This week in my Family Relations class we talked about the transition into marriage. One thing that my professor talked about was how critical that first year of marriage is on a couple because the patterns, boundaries, and rules they create within that first year will exemplify the rest of their marriage. It's important to start out your marriage strong and to communicate before you get married what expectations you have. Make sure both of you are on the same page and it will make things easier. One thing that you should do is determine the tasks for after the wedding. What your foundation will be and how you will handle different situations.

Things to discuss and tasks to take care of after the wedding:

• Roles, rules, and expectations
• Finances, time (your time is as much as your spouse's time as it is yours, becoming one) and resources
• How to handle disagreements
• Conflict theory
• clarity
• express empathy
• validate your spouse
• don't be rushed, it is all about timing
• pray before critizing
• when talking about the conflict be clear and precise
• Ephesians 4:26-32
• 26. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
• 27. Neither give place to the devil.
• 28. Let him that stole steal no more; but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
• 29. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister graces unto the hearers.
• 30. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
• 31. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.
• 32. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

As you develop this pattern of putting away all anger and malice and having the spirit to edify and build each other, God will dwell in your homes and be a strength in your marriage and in your future family. It is important to develop this pattern of love between you and your spouse early on in your marriage and to learn how to overcome conflict with the Spirit so when you start your family this pattern is already set in place.

For further advice on transitioning to marriage especially once you start having children here is a powerpoint discussing how you can keep that love and admiration between your spouse and you while adding children into your life: Avoiding the Baby Blues.pptx

Preparing for Marriage

In 2005 Elder Oaks gave a talk at a CES fireside to young adults entitled "Dating versus Hanging Out." In his talk he mentioned that "dates must pass the test of three p's: 1. planned ahead, 2. paid for, 3. paired off." But the question to this is why? Why do dates need to be planned, paid for, and paired off? Well, here is the correlation:

Dating:                                    Marriage:

Planned................................... Preside

                                   Paid for................................... Provide                                

Paired off................................. Protect

We always hear that you marry who you date!

So then while you are dating how do you know if you love that person?

Falling in love can be easily misinterpreted, especially when you are dating someone. There are actually 4 types of love: eros (romantic, sexual intimacy), agape (interested in well being), philia (brotherly love), and storge (familial/parental love). Many people today get too involved in the eros love when the important type of love to have while dating is philia (eros will come in time after the other ones are discovered). Another example of this is the difference between passionate love versus companionate love. 

"Passionate love = preoccupation and intense longing for union with a particular other. Passionate love can throw you into a state of obsession with someone, awaken emotions that you don't usually experience, and affect your sleep patterns and your appetite."

"Companionate love = affection for and commitment to someone with whom one is deeply involved. Companionate love is similar to philia"

It is important to be cautious while dating, become their friend, get to know them on all levels, see how they interact with others, how they portray their agape love, if they will share that philia love with you and not rush into eros. I've always heard that while you are dating you need to keep both eyes wide open, but once you marry keep them half shut. Be aware and don't get so caught up with falling in love, you want someone who will be with you through thick and thin, get to know them! 

"My single young friends, we counsel you to channel your associations with the opposite sex into dating patterns that have the potential to mature into marriage, not hanging-out patterns that only have the prospect to mature into team sports like touch football. Marriage is not a group activity—at least, not until the children come along in goodly numbers." - Elder Oaks

Here's the talk by Elder Oaks: http://lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng&query=planned,+paid+for,+paired+off 

Gender Roles

Each person is born with certain personality differences and preferences. This week as we were studying about gender differences in class we came up with a list of typical characteristics for males and females, they are as follows:

Male Typical:
Logical
Spatial Orientation
Task Oriented

Female Typical:
Over analyze
Detail Oriented
Interpersonal orientation/relationships

With these being the typical characteristics and differences of males and females, it also plays a role into how each gender has a specific role. Heavenly Father didn't create men and women the exact same for a purpose. Each gender plays a separate role in His Eternal plan and part of that has to do with the specific gifts and talents we have been given. As The Family: A Proclamation to the World states the specific roles of husbands and wives, I also agree that men and women have been blessed with these different abilities to keep a balanced lifestyle and be able to carry out God's perfect plan.

In our text book, "Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy," they have a test to help the understanding of your own gender roles. Answer each of the following as true or false:
1. I plan on a long and successful career
2. I will be responsible for most or all of the income for my family
3. Becoming a parent is not one of my highest priorities
4. I don't see myself doing much housework
5. I expect my spouse to support me in whatever career decisions I make
6. In a well-functioning home, the wife takes care of the inside and the husband takes care of the yard and cars.

"A traditional female would answer false and a traditional male would answer true to most of the above statements."

Males and females are designed differently for a specific reason, and these different roles play a huge part in every family and marriage. Each family has different roles in their household, but gender can play a part in what those roles are, but every family is unique and will have to discover what these different roles will be.

Diversity in Families

When you hear the word family, what do you think of? Do you think of your parents, siblings, or maybe memories you've had with your family? What comes first to my mind is good times and memories, lots of laughter, but also of my family unit and how close we are.

Each person thinks of family differently because we all grew up in different family units. So then what is family?
~An online dictionary states that family is "a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not."
~Our Marriage and Family book says that family is "a group united by marriage or cohabitation, blood, and/or adoption in order to satisfy intimacy needs and/or bear and socialize children."
~The church put out a statement in 1995 entitled "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." In there it states "WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children."

All these definitions tell us the different aspects of family and what it could be, but as Lauer tells us "families vary across time, among societies, and within societies. The family unit is continually changing and each family is different due to their society, culture, and even location. Although people are a like in several aspects, each person brings in something different and new into a family which helps create that diversity in a family.

Unspoken Rules

This week in class we discussed different system theories and how different families function. Every family has rules that are never established but for some reason they are a rule.

Here are some of my families unspoken rules:
1. We have family dinner every night together
2. We all have designated spots around the dinner table
3. If you are out later than planned call mom to let her know where you are at and when you will be home
4. Do your homework before play
5. Be respectful to siblings
6. Mom does laundry
7. I wash the dog
8. When you have a computer issue talk to dad
9. Winners pick up the game
10. When our parents go to the temple, us kids clean the house to surprise them
11. Before traveling we all say a prayer together

These are only a few of the unspoken rules that our family have, and I am sure there are many more. It's interesting how every family functions differently and the way you are raised plays a role in these rules because they come second nature to you. It will be interesting what my future family's unspoken rules will be someday and if any of my immediate families rules will carry over or if I will have completely different ones.

Changing Patterns of Relationships

For homework this week we had to read out of our text book "Marriage and Family: a Quest of Intimacy" by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer. They brought up several statistics on the changing patterns of intimate relationships. They gave stats such as: on average in 1970 females were marrying at age 20 and males at 22, now the average age to marry is 26 for females and 27 for males. Not only has marriage been delayed but cohabitation, premarital sex, employed mothers, and divorce is increasing while birth rates and household size is decreasing. As I was reading about all the changes that is occurring in this world I couldn't help but think how Satan is working his hardest right now to destroy families. Being sealed to your family for time and all eternity in the God's temple and creating that family unit is the most important ordinance on this earth, and Satan knows that. It is important to be aware of this.

At the end of this chapter Lauer  points out the strengths and benefits of marriage and family. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we know the importance of family and the blessing it can be in our lives. One of the strengths/benefits Laur mentions is: "a satisfying marriage provides you with a built-in support system to help you deal with the varied challenges and struggles of your life." Family is there to support and strength you, they are always there and will always be there for you. I'm grateful for the blessings of having a family here on this earth and for the opportunity for me to create my own family unit someday.

For my Family Relations class at BYU-Idaho my teacher is having us update our own customized blogs every week with thoughts and impression gained through homework/class assignments pertaining to the family. I was so excited to start this blog because family is one of the most important things in my life and now I get to share that with everyone else. I hope that through this blog you will understand the importance of the family unit as it is the most central and important unit that God has created and is one of the sole purposes of this life here and hereafter.

As I was thinking of a name for my blog I decided on "Family: A Little Heaven on Earth" because 1. I truly believe that family can really be a little heaven on earth and 2. I read Elder Hales talk titled "A Little Heaven on Earth" and it talks all about the family. This talk has inspired me to create a family that will be that sanctuary and heaven here on earth. So that my kids will feel safe, secure, and loved, and that my sealing to my future spouse will help create that haven for my family with those promised blessings for eternity. At the end of Elder Hales' talk he says "I ask you not to lean on your spouse as a crutch but to stand strong, strengthen each other, and ask for help as you pray together each night...That you might have true happiness and find the joy of a celestial marriage with a little heaven on earth is my prayer."

This has always been my prayer too, that my future family will be my little heaven on earth! That my future spouse and I will work together and strengthen each other and our kids so that we can create a celestial family that will feel a part of heaven on earth.