Transitions in Marriage

"A wedding is just a day, marriage is for eternity. Make sure when you are preparing for a wedding you are focused more on the importance of your marriage then the lavishness of the wedding." - This was said by a member of my family relations

This week in my Family Relations class we talked about the transition into marriage. One thing that my professor talked about was how critical that first year of marriage is on a couple because the patterns, boundaries, and rules they create within that first year will exemplify the rest of their marriage. It's important to start out your marriage strong and to communicate before you get married what expectations you have. Make sure both of you are on the same page and it will make things easier. One thing that you should do is determine the tasks for after the wedding. What your foundation will be and how you will handle different situations.

Things to discuss and tasks to take care of after the wedding:

• Roles, rules, and expectations
• Finances, time (your time is as much as your spouse's time as it is yours, becoming one) and resources
• How to handle disagreements
• Conflict theory
• clarity
• express empathy
• validate your spouse
• don't be rushed, it is all about timing
• pray before critizing
• when talking about the conflict be clear and precise
• Ephesians 4:26-32
• 26. Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
• 27. Neither give place to the devil.
• 28. Let him that stole steal no more; but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.
• 29. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister graces unto the hearers.
• 30. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
• 31. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.
• 32. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

As you develop this pattern of putting away all anger and malice and having the spirit to edify and build each other, God will dwell in your homes and be a strength in your marriage and in your future family. It is important to develop this pattern of love between you and your spouse early on in your marriage and to learn how to overcome conflict with the Spirit so when you start your family this pattern is already set in place.

For further advice on transitioning to marriage especially once you start having children here is a powerpoint discussing how you can keep that love and admiration between your spouse and you while adding children into your life: Avoiding the Baby Blues.pptx

Preparing for Marriage

In 2005 Elder Oaks gave a talk at a CES fireside to young adults entitled "Dating versus Hanging Out." In his talk he mentioned that "dates must pass the test of three p's: 1. planned ahead, 2. paid for, 3. paired off." But the question to this is why? Why do dates need to be planned, paid for, and paired off? Well, here is the correlation:

Dating:                                    Marriage:

Planned................................... Preside

                                   Paid for................................... Provide                                

Paired off................................. Protect

We always hear that you marry who you date!

So then while you are dating how do you know if you love that person?

Falling in love can be easily misinterpreted, especially when you are dating someone. There are actually 4 types of love: eros (romantic, sexual intimacy), agape (interested in well being), philia (brotherly love), and storge (familial/parental love). Many people today get too involved in the eros love when the important type of love to have while dating is philia (eros will come in time after the other ones are discovered). Another example of this is the difference between passionate love versus companionate love. 

"Passionate love = preoccupation and intense longing for union with a particular other. Passionate love can throw you into a state of obsession with someone, awaken emotions that you don't usually experience, and affect your sleep patterns and your appetite."

"Companionate love = affection for and commitment to someone with whom one is deeply involved. Companionate love is similar to philia"

It is important to be cautious while dating, become their friend, get to know them on all levels, see how they interact with others, how they portray their agape love, if they will share that philia love with you and not rush into eros. I've always heard that while you are dating you need to keep both eyes wide open, but once you marry keep them half shut. Be aware and don't get so caught up with falling in love, you want someone who will be with you through thick and thin, get to know them! 

"My single young friends, we counsel you to channel your associations with the opposite sex into dating patterns that have the potential to mature into marriage, not hanging-out patterns that only have the prospect to mature into team sports like touch football. Marriage is not a group activity—at least, not until the children come along in goodly numbers." - Elder Oaks

Here's the talk by Elder Oaks: http://lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng&query=planned,+paid+for,+paired+off 

Gender Roles

Each person is born with certain personality differences and preferences. This week as we were studying about gender differences in class we came up with a list of typical characteristics for males and females, they are as follows:

Male Typical:
Logical
Spatial Orientation
Task Oriented

Female Typical:
Over analyze
Detail Oriented
Interpersonal orientation/relationships

With these being the typical characteristics and differences of males and females, it also plays a role into how each gender has a specific role. Heavenly Father didn't create men and women the exact same for a purpose. Each gender plays a separate role in His Eternal plan and part of that has to do with the specific gifts and talents we have been given. As The Family: A Proclamation to the World states the specific roles of husbands and wives, I also agree that men and women have been blessed with these different abilities to keep a balanced lifestyle and be able to carry out God's perfect plan.

In our text book, "Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy," they have a test to help the understanding of your own gender roles. Answer each of the following as true or false:
1. I plan on a long and successful career
2. I will be responsible for most or all of the income for my family
3. Becoming a parent is not one of my highest priorities
4. I don't see myself doing much housework
5. I expect my spouse to support me in whatever career decisions I make
6. In a well-functioning home, the wife takes care of the inside and the husband takes care of the yard and cars.

"A traditional female would answer false and a traditional male would answer true to most of the above statements."

Males and females are designed differently for a specific reason, and these different roles play a huge part in every family and marriage. Each family has different roles in their household, but gender can play a part in what those roles are, but every family is unique and will have to discover what these different roles will be.

Diversity in Families

When you hear the word family, what do you think of? Do you think of your parents, siblings, or maybe memories you've had with your family? What comes first to my mind is good times and memories, lots of laughter, but also of my family unit and how close we are.

Each person thinks of family differently because we all grew up in different family units. So then what is family?
~An online dictionary states that family is "a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not."
~Our Marriage and Family book says that family is "a group united by marriage or cohabitation, blood, and/or adoption in order to satisfy intimacy needs and/or bear and socialize children."
~The church put out a statement in 1995 entitled "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." In there it states "WE, THE FIRST PRESIDENCY and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children."

All these definitions tell us the different aspects of family and what it could be, but as Lauer tells us "families vary across time, among societies, and within societies. The family unit is continually changing and each family is different due to their society, culture, and even location. Although people are a like in several aspects, each person brings in something different and new into a family which helps create that diversity in a family.

Unspoken Rules

This week in class we discussed different system theories and how different families function. Every family has rules that are never established but for some reason they are a rule.

Here are some of my families unspoken rules:
1. We have family dinner every night together
2. We all have designated spots around the dinner table
3. If you are out later than planned call mom to let her know where you are at and when you will be home
4. Do your homework before play
5. Be respectful to siblings
6. Mom does laundry
7. I wash the dog
8. When you have a computer issue talk to dad
9. Winners pick up the game
10. When our parents go to the temple, us kids clean the house to surprise them
11. Before traveling we all say a prayer together

These are only a few of the unspoken rules that our family have, and I am sure there are many more. It's interesting how every family functions differently and the way you are raised plays a role in these rules because they come second nature to you. It will be interesting what my future family's unspoken rules will be someday and if any of my immediate families rules will carry over or if I will have completely different ones.

Changing Patterns of Relationships

For homework this week we had to read out of our text book "Marriage and Family: a Quest of Intimacy" by Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer. They brought up several statistics on the changing patterns of intimate relationships. They gave stats such as: on average in 1970 females were marrying at age 20 and males at 22, now the average age to marry is 26 for females and 27 for males. Not only has marriage been delayed but cohabitation, premarital sex, employed mothers, and divorce is increasing while birth rates and household size is decreasing. As I was reading about all the changes that is occurring in this world I couldn't help but think how Satan is working his hardest right now to destroy families. Being sealed to your family for time and all eternity in the God's temple and creating that family unit is the most important ordinance on this earth, and Satan knows that. It is important to be aware of this.

At the end of this chapter Lauer  points out the strengths and benefits of marriage and family. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we know the importance of family and the blessing it can be in our lives. One of the strengths/benefits Laur mentions is: "a satisfying marriage provides you with a built-in support system to help you deal with the varied challenges and struggles of your life." Family is there to support and strength you, they are always there and will always be there for you. I'm grateful for the blessings of having a family here on this earth and for the opportunity for me to create my own family unit someday.

For my Family Relations class at BYU-Idaho my teacher is having us update our own customized blogs every week with thoughts and impression gained through homework/class assignments pertaining to the family. I was so excited to start this blog because family is one of the most important things in my life and now I get to share that with everyone else. I hope that through this blog you will understand the importance of the family unit as it is the most central and important unit that God has created and is one of the sole purposes of this life here and hereafter.

As I was thinking of a name for my blog I decided on "Family: A Little Heaven on Earth" because 1. I truly believe that family can really be a little heaven on earth and 2. I read Elder Hales talk titled "A Little Heaven on Earth" and it talks all about the family. This talk has inspired me to create a family that will be that sanctuary and heaven here on earth. So that my kids will feel safe, secure, and loved, and that my sealing to my future spouse will help create that haven for my family with those promised blessings for eternity. At the end of Elder Hales' talk he says "I ask you not to lean on your spouse as a crutch but to stand strong, strengthen each other, and ask for help as you pray together each night...That you might have true happiness and find the joy of a celestial marriage with a little heaven on earth is my prayer."

This has always been my prayer too, that my future family will be my little heaven on earth! That my future spouse and I will work together and strengthen each other and our kids so that we can create a celestial family that will feel a part of heaven on earth.